Ex-Gay Harm—Let Me Count the Ways
by Barry James Moore
Thursday, October 18, 2007 [updated January 2008]
Two days ago I received an e-mail message from another man who had gone through ex-gay proragms. He asked me to comment on his recent blog Ex-Gay Harm—Let Me Count the Ways. The following, with minor corrections, and slight additional formatting, is the comment which I posted on his blog:
I attended a church ex-gay group for one year and [in order to be admitted, I] was required to see a psychologist. I was kicked out of the ex-gay group when I fell in love with another younger guy in the group. I continued with the psychologist for another year or more.
Emotional Harm: I was so hurt by the psychologist and loss of friends, that I do not feel I can trust anyone, making it very difficult to find any level of relationship.
Psychological Harm: When I was kicked out of the group I was suicidal and later was put on medical leave [by] a psychiatrist with a diagnosis of "hopelessness".
Spiritual Harm: When I found that there was no resolution to "being" gay, I began to wonder if there is a God. If He didn't care enough to "heal" me of my gayness, then either He didn't really love me or He didn't exist. I later found a place where I thought I was accepted, but after other men tried to control me, I have withdrawn from church altogether. Ten years later and my faith in God is restored, but I don't trust any preacher (gay or straight) to preach truth.
Relationship Harm: Without going into specifics, I was told that my family of origin was to blame for my gayness. There was hurt in general with societal and religious discrimination that the added weight of that thought caused so much more pain that I broke off all remaining relationship, and even [tore] up all of their pictures.
My marriage was already fragile due to my coming out, but when I was kicked out of the group with no hope of change, [it was then] that my wife and I separated for "time apart". My inability to get it together caused the separation to last until she moved away 5 years later and we divorced. We still speak on occasion, but as it is with any divorce it is somewhat strained. I am very thankful that I have a fairly good relationship with all of my four children.
I lost all of my church friends. They did not know what to do with me. I am cautious about finding new friends.
Financial Harm: There was no fee to be in the church ex-gay group, but with one Exodus conference, books and tapes, etc. and the psychologist I spent close to $8,000.
Career Harm: My depression and the medical leave affected my employer's trust of me. At first they denied me return to work, then did not give me meaningful work, and later fired me using an excuse of "lack of work".
Sexual Harm: While in the church ex-gay group, especially the small group sessions, I learned more about specific acts of gay encounters, where to hook-up with other guys, where to get "toys" and about gay bars and good gay sections in regular bookstores. I learned more about how to fulfill my gay desires than how to overcome them. (Since the spring of 2007, independent of any ex-gay program, God has taught me how to have victory. See Overcoming the Sin Nature and First Nudge Obedience.)
Developmental Harm: Because of the harm I have also lost many years. I was like a zombie. I stopped living, focusing my energy into "surviving" and the "recovery" process limiting growth in other areas.
I still am trying to overcome all of the loss. I have no real friends. I avoid church. I'm afraid of Christians. I'm afraid of gay men who I fear don't want me for me, but just want sex. I have no support and don't think anyone cares. My faith is supremely important to me, and I have been unable to find "committed" Christians (gay or straight) who will love me "just as I am".
In order to try to save my family, I did allow myself to be subjected to the ex-gay process, but knowing that it was me who allowed it does not translate into accepting the loss, nor recovery from it.
