Saturday, July 28, 2007 [updated September 16, 2008]
This narrative gives a brief account of me hiding from faith and sexuality during my teens and early twenties, then my coming out and subsequent years of coming to terms with my sexuality in light of my Christian faith.
"Then Jesus summoned the crowd with His disciples, and said to them, 'If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake and the sake of the gospel, he is the one who will save it.'" Matthew 16:24-25, Mark 8:34-35, Luke 9:23-24
Whatever and whoever we pretend to be, we may fool those around us, professing to be something we are not, indeed putting on a persona and an outward appearance to look like what we think others expect from us, and to make ourselves seem acceptable to them, but no matter how many people we may deceive, we are all naked before God. He knows our inward thoughts and motivations. Luke 11:39-40 (NASB) "Now you Pharisees clean the outside of the cup and of the platter; but inside of you, you are full of robbery and wickedness. You foolish ones, did not He who made the outside make the inside also?" Proverbs 20:27 (NASB) "The spirit of man is the lamp of the LORD, searching all the innermost parts of his being."
But God desires that we be real and transparent so that He can have His way with us. Psalm 51:6 (KJV) "Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward parts: and in the hidden part thou shalt make me to know wisdom."
Even as a teen, I remember times of feeling a real honest pulling of the Holy Spirit, to which I sometimes responded. But there were also times when I did not respond for fear of what "my friends" might think. There were also times when I felt nothing, but responded anyway to impress others. It sort of depended whom I was with or who was watching. At times, I was hiding my faith in a religious closet; at other times I was hiding from religion. Whatever the case, I was pretending to be something I was not. As if it were always Halloween, I was wearing a mask. Boo! Thanks Peggy Campolo for stirring my thought process.
I was also hiding another truth about me. I had attractions to other boys my age. With the societal and church pressures, I was forced to hide. That hiding was not my choice. If I had told anyone, I knew there would be rejection and humiliation.
It hurts to spend years denying your own deepest truths, sitting silently through classes, meals and church services while people you love (family and friends; schoolmates and teachers; preachers, leaders and other Christians) toss off remarks that brutalize your soul.
It hurts to have to hide who I am — to have to lie, just to be safe.
But even with my hiding, some people knew anyway. I was beat up, called names, thrown in the shower with my clothes on, stripped of my pants — sometimes even by my own brother. And finally one day, a boy who I loved deeply, but never told, and with whom I shared innocent times of close physical intimacy (not sexual) outed me to our friends. I did not acknowledge that, but it pushed me even deeper into the back of the closet.
While I never seriously dated girls, the times were such that there was no way that I knew of to find other boys like me, but in my early twenties I hooked up with another boy from work with whom I was mutually romantically attracted, and we shared our passion physically, but also not sexually. That ended and I went about my life with guy friends, but no real attraction to anyone.
It was when I was twenty-four, while I was still a virgin, when a girl who had been introduced to me just two weeks earlier sexually ensnared me, and I succumbed. That quickly developed into a sexual relationship and we married after "knowing" each other only four months. I cannot say if I was in love with her at the time, but I was definitely in love with sex.
Over several years of marriage I did grow to love my wife, but not in the sense that I would think should be typical for heterosexual couples. There was never the emotional bond and no inner "sigh" of my spirit. I spent many years hiding my attraction and desire for other guys, but secretly bought particular magazines — not for the articles. I struggled for years asking myself, "Am I gay?" and watching any docudrama that might help me answer that question. There were enough clues that I knew the answer was "yes". Then on July 29, 1994, just 19 days before my fiftieth birthday, I had my first gay sexual encounter while traveling on business. This time there was that inner sigh — this was the real me.
During the marriage I continued in church and learned much from some good teachers — Malcolm Smith being the most influential in developing my doctrinal beliefs. (Here's one example of Malcolm's teaching on Google Video). I had several other good pastors and teachers at my home church in my formative years and also as we moved to different parts of the country. Through the years, I had not only acquired head knowledge, but that knowledge also had percolated into my spirit becoming a very part of my core. My faith in Christ had become an inseparable and inescapable part of me. I did not want to escape, but even when I drifted, He always continued to pursue me.
Even with Christian growth, my secret self was becoming more miserable. In 1979 we discovered Jim and Tammy Bakker and I became hooked on the PTL Club TV broadcast that ministered to me in a way that the others had not. In 1986 we moved to Fort Mill, South Carolina to be involved with PTL, but that plan was thwarted when religion tore that ministry apart, and I drifted for several more years.
Once I realized that I was gay, the unfulfilled urge-to-merge grew stronger and I became more miserable. Inner conflict between faith and sexuality consumed me. I didn't know why I was gay. I still don't know why and I no longer care why; it is simply another dimension of who I am in my very core being, but I digress. Never considering that God allowed this in me for a reason of His choosing, I prayed fervently for years for God to remove my same gender attractions that had grown into intense desire.
About nine months after that first gay encounter, there was occasion for me to answer a direct question from my wife. I confessed to the one event from the previous July. My boss at work knew that I was gay and he encouraged me to contact this one church that he knew had a program for gay men and women. In the summer of 1995 I called that church. After being transferred to a third extension, each time telling a woman why I was calling, the phone was answered by a third woman, "Women's Ministry," and I hung up the phone. It would have been hard enough for me to tell a man, but I was not about to tell my problem to yet another unknown woman.
All the while pressure was building inside — like a pressure cooker, I was about to explode if the pressure was not released. So, I fully came out to my family and Sunday school teacher in August 1996, with plans of "going to find a man to love." Instead I ended up calling that same church again. An older couple headed the group. I spoke with the wife and an appointment was scheduled for me to meet with her.
In the mean time, my Sunday school teacher put me in contact with John Smid, director of Love In Action, an organization that had a live in program for Christian gay men. I talked with John on the phone about the Love In Action program, but with me being older, having a family to support and a job that required travel, and also not being able to afford the program, that program was not for me. However, John did tell me one thing that I should have heeded. He told me that even though he was married with children, his recurring attraction to other men remained.
I went to my appointment with the woman. At the end of the appointment I was referred to a psychologist because I had "other issues" to resolve. I would be admitted to the group only after the psychologist gave his approval.
I must digress for a moment. Firstly, it may have been good for me to see a psychologist for a number of reasons, but the condition of requiring his "approval" first, should have been a huge warning sign. Secondly, if you ever go to a psychologist for "Christian" counseling, be sure that the counsel is Godly counsel. Over two-and-one-half years with this man, he may have opened with prayer ten times, and only opened the word of God three times at most. Thirdly, even if a psychologist opens and closes with prayer and turns to the Bible every time, we must test the counsel for ourselves. Not all so-called Christian counselors give Godly counsel. Psalm 1:1a (The Holy Bible, King James Version) "Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly. . ."
Finally on November 3, 1996, with approval from the psychologist, I was admitted to the church group. When I entered the group, John Smid's confession helped me. I was looking for resolution to the conflict, but I was not looking to be un-gay. Although no one ever said directly, "It's you father's and mother's and brother's fault that you are gay," during the next eleven months with the group, the psychologist and having attended the 1997 Exodus conference in Wilmore, Kentucky, I was told that my homosexuality was an outgrowth of my absent father, overbearing mother (who by this date had gone to be with Jesus), and sexual abuse at the hand of my brother. They made me hate my family of origin. I tore up all of their pictures. My brother was still living at that time, and our already poor relationship was fractured further. I also seriously considered changing my name. I was thinking about getting rid of the surname Moore, but also the given name of Barry. I didn't want any identification with my family of origin. Later, in 2000, having no middle name at that time, I legally added my middle name of "James".
As part of the larger church group we were separated into smaller gender specific groups (3 men's groups and 1 for the women). While in the small group sessions I learned more about how to fulfill my gay desires than how to overcome them. Over the course of several months I had become strongly attracted to one specific younger man in the group. We spent public time together while at the Exodus conference in Kentucky and later we exchanged a few phone calls. I also loaned him some money and we went together one time to a bar. While not as strict as I've heard others report about similar groups, there were rules about how to dress and very strict rules about making outside contact with other members of the group. I violated that rule. On October 5, 1997 I told that younger man that I was in love with him. He did not share my feelings and suggested that I talk with my small group leader. I did, and that resulted in him and me both being kicked out of the group.
"The spirit of a man can endure sickness, but as for a broken spirit who can bear it?" Proverbs 18:14 (New American Standard Bible)
After I was kicked out of the group, I was suicidal for weeks, and slept with a loaded shotgun so I would be prepared "to do the deed" in the event that I woke up in the night in terror. I also physically punished myself in other ways. I had viewed the group as a hospital, but when my case became more serious, there was no emergency room. Also, there was no aftercare as part of the program; I was promptly forgotten, with no apparent concern for my well-being, Spiritually or otherwise.
Soon after being kicked out of the group, my wife and I finally separated. I also began seeing a psychiatrist. It took another year before I even began to heal. When I began to come out of my shell, I still felt quite desperate and began to act out in ways that were not at all typical for me. Guilt sent me into another downward spiral, which resulted in my psychiatrist putting me on short-term disability with a diagnosis of hopelessness.
On December 31, 1998 I met another gay Christian man. Over most of 1999 he asked many questions about God and my faith. As I answered his questions, I heard God plainly speaking to me. I have never once heard God tell me to try to be un-gay; but He has told me to seek Him. I have drifted back and forth in my closeness to Him with periods of real grace to periods of wanting to escape this world.
It's been more than ten years since I was kicked out of that group. I've made progress, but the word "survivor" is a relative term. I am still here, but it would not be truthful for me to say that I have fully survived the psychological control and manipulation. I do not blame the group or any of its leaders for any bad intentions. I do not feel there is any need to forgive the leaders of the group. I know that they were well intended trying to minister what they truly believed regarding root causes of, and resolution to, homosexual conflict in Christian seekers.
The problem is that good intentions may do as much harm as malevolence if they lack understanding. The non-gay leaders had no possible way of truly understanding our innermost deep-seated feelings. And the small group leaders were in the same boat as we. They were also struggling with the same issues. Being in the group for a year did not qualify them to lead others. It was like the blind leading the blind. Isaiah 5:13 (NASB) "My people go into exile for their lack of knowledge; and their honorable men are famished, and the multitude is parched with thirst."
Even though I have forgiven the psychologist, he subjected me to further abuse regarding the same gender attractions. The effects of that abuse remain to this day. However, to be completely honest, I must also admit that the psychologist did help me get through my marriage separation.
In the end, neither the group, nor the psychologist provided any resolution to the inner conflict between faith and sexuality, but they did cause me years of pain and broken relationships. I came out of the group worse off than when I went in.
The times when I have felt as if God were distant have been when I was trying to be something He never asked me to be. Whether I perform to try to be accepted by men or by God, that is when I have drifted into trying to be an obedient Christian on my own strength (see video below), and I have failed, leaving God wanting, and waiting, for me to return to faith and grace. The first part of Romans 7 equates living in obedience to Law with being unfaithful to God, in effect Spiritual Adultery. He sees and knows everything. We cannot hide. He wants me to trust Him fully and to come to Him Just As I Am. We are all naked before God.
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Listen to the words of this song: I Can't Even Walk (without God holding my hand)
featuring Jessy Dixon, David Phelps and Guy Penrod
with Gaither and Friends
